When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
