I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
