The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
