Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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