you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's official drugs can't kill me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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