my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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