I want to walk on stilts...naked
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
