omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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