Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
