sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
