I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
