Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
