I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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