i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
