Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
