why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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