oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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