It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
