My Higher Power is John Stamos
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We just shotgunned beers for America
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
