You're completely useless in the revolution.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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