is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
