if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
