life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
