I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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