Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
