i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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