he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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