What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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