Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
