Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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