Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
