You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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