She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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