He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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