this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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