Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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