Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
