I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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