I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
