Im at strip club and am horny
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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