If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
