I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
