How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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