I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
