i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
