69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
