I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
