swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
