i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
