I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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