Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
