She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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