Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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